What do you do in a divorce mediation when one spouse is intimidated by the other and will not stand up for (usually) herself? It is true that the divorce mediator’s job is to be a neutral, but I take the position of aggressive neutrality. My job is to help the two people make a deal. To do that when one of the parties is cowed by the other means that I have to agressively seek out the real needs of each. For example, a wife who is afraid of her husband and just wants out needs to understand that a year from now, when the fear has begun to fade, the economic needs that she ignored in order to get away from her abusive husband have now come to the fore and she is unable to live. It is essential to explore with both the husband and the wife just what the real economic needs are for each and how to allocate the total resources of the marriage to support both of them. Obviously, once the marriage is over each spouse is responsible for his or her own support, but where they have minor children, or one of the parents has been out of the workforce for years, a realistic assessment of what each need is fundamentally important if the mediation is to be a long term success. My next post will address just how to go about doing that.
Spousal Intimidation in Divorce Mediation
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